broken ❤

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dayone.

ten things i want to say to ten different people;

you: you send me crazy mixed messages. one day you are at my house, calling me baby, holding me, making me the happiest mother fucker alive. the next i can tell you regret it, you say you dont care about anyone or anything, what does that make me then… nothing? is this all a game? is my life a fucking game to you? the more i hurt the more points you get? huh? because its not funny & the only reason i let you do what you do to me is because i love you. is because i have intentions of sticking up for myself, but when your around my heart melts & when you hug me i turn from a solid to a liquid. when we arent together in person, its like you don`t even know me. i`m a waste of time. why? because you know i`ll be there regardless. you like having power over me don`t you. well fuck you. i love you, i love you so god damn much, but if i keep going on this way, i will become nothing. i`m depressed enough as it is, but once you chose yet another person over me, i`ll be dead. & dead is not what i should be 17.

kurt: i really dont like you right now. you are really bothering me. i know you really like me, in two ways, & i know you are really sweet & you really care, but i just can`t stand you right now. & in a horrible conceded way i`m upset you are coming over during christmas break. i feel like you are ruining it for me. & i`m sorry i feel that way, i really am.

richie: i will always feel completely honored that you love me & share the things you share with me. i like being special to at least one person. thanks for letting me be a close friend of yours. i love you always & forever. <3

becca: i`m afraid of you. i`m afraid to tell you how i really feel, but honestly. i fucking hate how you never hang out with me just to hang out anymore. i fucking hate how you ignore my texts sometimes, or how you tell me you are going to text me back when you are doing something & you never do. i hate how you text all your other friends to hang out, but never me. i always have to ask you, invite myself to hang out with you & whoever you are with. i hate how all we do when we hang out is smoke. drive around & we don`t even talk. i hate how you are always with your boyfriend, but most of all i hate how you shot me down when i told you i was talking to him again. if you are my best friend i should be able to tell you things without feeling like i`m being judged. & i felt judged. i felt so fucking judged, like you think i`ll cheat again or something, like wow, way to have faith in me. or way to support me in what i choose to do. right now you know nothing that has happened between me & him. i`ll keep it that way, because it`s clear that you don`t care much anyways.

mommy: i know you are right. you always are. i know i`m doing the wrong things, but in the moment they feel right. & i just want to make you proud, or happy, or both, but i feel like i cant live up to anyones expectations. maybe i suck or maybe i`m consumed by depression, but know that i love & need you. even when i`m a pain in the ass & even when i push you away. i`d die with out you. if you were to pass today or tomorrow, i literally would not make it. when your old & grey & i am too, when i have my head on my shoulders & it`s really your time. that might be okay. but today or tomorrow would shatter me into a million more pieces then the thousand i`m already in. love you.

myself: i`m sorry that stuff is just this way. i wish i could be stronger for us, i wish i could get us through this, which in the end i will, but it`s going to be long & painful. everyday we keep hope, but i think we hope for the wrong things. everyday we break down & sure we have next to no friends & sure maybe we sit at home on friday & saturday nights, but at least we have each other, at least we have this chance. you know what i think it is? i think we are just better then 99% of the people in this town or the people in high school. they think they are so cool the way they talk & the way they smoke or drink or do whatever the fuck they do. i`m happy that they make us sick, because i never want to be like them. they are the losers & we are the someone who has the chance to succeed. we will one day. maybe we are lonely now, maybe we don`t have much to look forward to now, but just wait, one day things will be better, maybe not soon, but soon enough.

i dont know or care about ten people, so you get 6, one being myself. i kinda like it that way anyway.